Thanks for being here. This is a gentle reminder that this is the last change to sign up for The Yoga of Aging Satsang, which begins Oct 2, 2024 (more information is here). Now to the post —
The other day, I was on the phone with a colleague and expressed my embarrassment that I had been too critical of a book we had read. Then these words came out of my mouth in that kind of automatic way which, in retrospect, is kind of frightening:
‘I am a recovering workaholic and I never show up without a spear.’
The last word of my sentence took both of us back. What?! We got a good laugh.
But then we began to wonder how a spear ever got into my hand, much less how it became the thing I trapsed back and forth with me to every meeting over my long work life. It never occurred to me how heavy and clunky the spear was and how carrying it meant I could not carry other things. It was a choice, but not always the right one.
Then my friend and I reflected on the political climate of our country right now ‘Wow,’ we thought, ‘is everyone carrying around a metaphorical spear? Do we all act out of scarcity and fear all the time? Is that our problem?’ In his profound and important book, Healing the Heart of Democracy, Parker Palmer says, ‘Yep. Pretty much.’ At bottom, when you listen with generosity and kindness to your political foes, he writes, what you will hear is fear. You have it. Your foes have it. And it animates our public dialogue. Finally, as we age, this feeling of fear/scarcity generally increases.
The experience of scarcity
Many of us come from backgrounds where we need to operate well in scarcity. This is not a flaw. It is a form of adaptation and resilience. If you are someone who owned your own business or who came from poverty or are a racial minority, you know well the feeling of not having enough and needing to outwit the world around you to get the basics of what you need.
Steven Covey, in his The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, argued that the experience of scarcity could result in a scarcity mindset that was limiting. With a scarcity mindset, you focus on your perceived needs to the exclusion of everything else.
Instead, he agued, effective people adopt an abundance mindset even when they are experiencing scarcity. In the years since, researchers have confirmed the validity of Covey’s position — especially for the aging population!
Scarcity and aging
Scarcity of material resources, healthfulness, and time is a reality older people often live with. Doctor’s appointments, worries about health, retirement, kids moving away . . . we can feel constrained by all of these boxes that fill our days, that ‘take away’ things from us. We can feel betrayed by our bodies. We can feel abandoned by friends who moved away or got ill or died. We can feel dissed by children who are just trying to make their own way in the world.
As a case in point, I have a friend who grieves the holidays she had when her kids were little. Many years later, she still cries through the holidays even though she spends them with her grown children and grandchildren. The key is that the holidays are not spent in her own home anymore. She essentially grieves being the hostess. And that has made the holidays trigger her scarcity mindset. When she is not hosting, nothing is ever good enough. (Can you imagine being a son or daughter trying to replicate her gravy recipe when she enters the holidays with this mindset?)
So the feeling of scarcity shows up in unexpected ways. And it hurts you and those around you.
The truth is that the experiences of growing scarcity as we age may make our worlds feel smaller and smaller. As a result, we may feel more cut off and see even fewer resources around us.
It snowballs, and suddenly we don’t believe we have much to offer the world or much to live for. ‘No one appreciates me.’ This is a scarcity mindset that is very common in older people.
Would an abundance/opportunity mindset make a difference? Studies show that older people who adopt an abundance-type mindset live 4.4-7.5 years longer on average than older people who don’t (1, 2, 3). So, yes, it can make a difference.
The abundance/opportunity mindset
There are four things that those with an abundance/opportunity mindset do regularly, even in the context of their own, real experiences of scarcity:
(1) Foster collaborative relationships. This might mean seeking out community, asking for help when we need it, and giving support to others when they need it. Or it might mean keeping up with our old friends, even if it becomes more difficult.
(2) Practice gratitude. Begin your day with a list of what you have rather than what you lack. It shifts your gears into feeling supported and cared for, rather than abandoned.
It can for sure feel artificial at first, but there is a reason gratitude practices are encouraged by spiritual leaders from all traditions — gratitude opens your heart when it may feel most closed off.
(3) Notice and direct automatic thoughts. This one takes practice. It means witnessing your responses to things happening around you and assessing if your response is helpful or making things worse. And then you redirect your automatic thoughts to something more beneficial — maybe towards gratitude, maybe putting out a more generous vibe, maybe towards saying, ‘Wow. I don’t think I ever made this gravy so well. Thanks for making the family recipe better!’
Meditation is designed to help. The Dalai Lama says that meditation leads to compassion for others, at least partly because it helps us to pause and notice our own automatic thoughts.
(4) Advocate and give support. Share your resources with others. This may mean mentoring younger people, bringing a book to a friend who is ill, or perhaps just being good company to someone who needs it (truly, a gift). It can also mean volunteering your time, skills, or money.
Whenever self-pity overcame me when I was a young adult, my dad would say, ‘Go do something for someone. Give of yourself.’ And I learned that giving to others was the key to stop being obsessed with how little I thought I had.
The abundance mindset does not erase the scarcity experience
The one thing the abundance/opportunity mindset is NOT is a panacea. It is NOT a denial of the scarcity experience. Rather, it unlocks you to look at your situation differently and more completely.
I emphasize this to offer hope, not to forestall it. So much about aging well is learning to stay current with where we are. Living in the now is a great and demanding achievement, some would say it is our life’s work. We need to be real about not being able to jump hurdles anymore or pull all-nighters or whatever crazy things we did as young people. When we are real about the now, we are able to live skillfully within it.
Indeed, adopting an abundance/opportunity mindset is part of living in the now well. The abundance/opportunity mindset is a giant floodlight that brings awareness to all sorts of options and possibilities that the scarcity mindset has closed down. As a result, our understanding of the now becomes more complete. We have more options and can be more skillful.
Yes, sometimes I still feel a need to drag my spear around with me. But when I am as open to the now as an abundance/opportunity mindset allows, I see other options. I carry other things instead, like trust and kindness and generosity. I have more options of how to live and act each day. And that softens all feelings of loss and scarcity significantly, and it enlarges my world.
References
(1) Koga HK, et al. Optimism, lifestyle, and longevity in a racially diverse cohort of women. Journal of the American Geriatrics Society. 2022. Epub June 8. doi: 10.1111/jgs.17897.
(2) Lee LO, et al. Optimism, daily stressors, and emotional well-being over two decades in a cohort of aging men. Journal of Gerontology, Series B: Psychological Sciences and Social Sciences. 2022;77(8):1373-1383. doi: 10.1093/geronb/gbac025.
(3) Levy, B. R., Slade, M. D., Kunkel, S. R., & Kasl, S. V. (2002). Longevity increased by positive self-perceptions of aging. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 83(2), 261–270. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.83.2.261